Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
