I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
