you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
