we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Text me some of your sweat
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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