she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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