We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
