sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
