my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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