have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
