You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
