so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
