I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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