Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
