If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize