over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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