Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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