My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize