Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
