so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
