A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
