his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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