problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
