she woke up with a sticky ear
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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