He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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