i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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