I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
