I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
