There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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