somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
