So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
