Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
