I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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