I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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