I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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