so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
