Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize