maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
