Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
