She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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