he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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