If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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