my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
