I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
