Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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