I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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