yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
