yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
