Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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