He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
