I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
either way he was missing a nipple.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
be right there i have to get my cape
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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