I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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