i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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