So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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