You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Houston, we have a blender
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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