Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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