are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
