Can i not drive my cunt home
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize