if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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