I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
