My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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