I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize