I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
