I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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