Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
