I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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