I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
