Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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