hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
