I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
