Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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